A Guide For People Not Going To BlogHer

For the other 99% of the blogodehexahydrophosphersphere that isn't going to Blogher, a handy dandy guide of how to survive the event.

1. It's okay to be jealous that other people besides you will be going to New York. Outside of Chicago (where I was born and raised and therefore what follows is completely understandable by all but the most obtuse among us) New York is my second favorite town in the whole world. If you have not been to New York you must go to New York, at least once in your life, because it is the iconic city of the entire world. This is where the modern city was invented. In the first place I think sometimes that the "New Yorkers are mean" thing is overblown. I never met a New Yorker who wasn't helpful. Sarcastic while being helpful, yes. Amused at your blatant stupidity, certainly. Ultimately wondering how they can disabuse you of your naivety - oh you bet. My experience says that 99% of the time they will do everything they can to help you out. But yes, it's perfectly okay to be jealous of people who are going to New York. That's what it's there for.

side note; Those going should taste all the street food you can find because the chances are high nothing you try will disappoint you whatsoever. I would recommend getting in at McArthur/LongIsland/Islip airport. New York's little secret and an exceptionally easy in-and-out airport out on the island. But be careful traveling on Long Island; they're not kidding about the LIE (it can be one from time to time), and since there are seventeen streets/roads/avenues named Jerusalem on Long Island, get onto Manhattan as soon as possible before you get completely lost.

2. Accept the fact that for the next few days it's all about them. What happens to people who find themselves in New York for the first time is they think this is a bigger deal that it really is. Don't get me wrong, New York is the ultimate cool. But it changes once you've been there a few times. It gets more comfortable and less mysterious but just as fantastic. The thing is, at first, a lot of people (especially the ones from The Sticks and - to a New Yorker - that's anybody not from New York) get the idea that because they are in New York they are suddenly hot shit. This will show up in their blog posts. Just smile and wait for something there to beat them down and get them back to reality because, heh heh heh, something will.

3. Find a suitable activity to assuage your feelings of inadequacy. Add another stake to your tomato plant that is spreading all over the place. Drink a lot. Stay up late. Don't go to church. You know, real dangerous stuff.

4. Read past all the "I want to live there" posts that will soon follow. There are folks who, after one visit, are certain this is the thing for them. A lot of those kind of people actually try it. Unless they have a direct tie to someone who already lives there or have some kind of existing connection there, most New Yorkers barely tolerate them, and they may last a year. Sometimes. Be ready with the blanket and bourbon routine when they come whimpering back home.

5. If they return home a Yankee fan. Kill them. Immediately.

6. Plot your revenge. Start planning on that Paris trip. It's about the only thing you can plausibly, arguably, top them with at some point in the future. Unless they've been there too. In which case you're screwed.

7. Immerse yourself in your local culture and celebrate who you are and where you are from while other bloggers are doing this fairly dumb thing in a pretty great place. Quite frankly, BlogHer is dumb even if New York is very, very cool. It was in Chicago last year and I stopped by the hotel to visit and have dinner with a few friends who were in town for the event but, to be honest, it's a sorority binge with a frat house contingent swirling around a couple of interesting events and a larger slew of completely pointless other ones. It is basically the ultimate expression of femnetworking at its top, including the really cool drunkenness (yes!) and really awful occasional petty squabble (uh... meh). To occupy your time instead of being there and participating, go to your friendly local produce / sustainable resource / nice wine list restaurant and stay one glass of dessert wine longer than usual. Find a bookstore and add an old classic from the 19th century to your library, reading optional. Write nice, congratulatory comments on the posts of those who are swimming in it and posting about every stroke. Curl up in your own bed and make whatever you want for breakfast. That should do it.

To those on their way - have a great trip. The original Papaya King is closed for renovation so tough luck there. But oh well. The rest of us will be leaving a light on for ya. It's the one in the middle...