Another Dumptruck To Unload My Head

Check the date in the line from this movie... "June twenty-ninth. I gotta get in shape. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight."

Sometimes people's acts wear a little thin.

You go along for years and years and everything is just fine and then you have to sit back once in a while and say "...know what? I don't really care for that shit right now." And maybe it was building up for a while and you just didn't notice. Maybe you get tired of explaining yourself to some intransigent dolt over and over. Or maybe you just don't care what people think of you after a while. It is also possible, or more likely, they may be thinking the same thing about you. So comes a time when it's different. Things have to be different.

I don't do a good job on my friendships. I let them slide sometimes. They go out. It's like I know a lot of people and everything but there aren't any real close friends. No confidants. Nobody I'd make a fund raiser for. Nobody outside of family I'd cry for if they croaked. That's true in my walking around life and my internet associations. I can have fun and talk to people and participate but I'm not ever really excited about it. Sometimes people's acts wear a little thin.

It's like my wife says sometimes, I'd make a great hermit. Being solitary never bugged me. I never get lonely. I never have. So people come and go and if they aren't here where I am they're somewhere else and it isn't any more significant than that. Ever just want to look at someone and say - you're just so full of shit. But if you do that it's over. Really over. So you don't. Plus I never get bored. I don't understand bored. People saying they wouldn't want to retire or anything because they'd get bored. What the hell. I never have enough time to do the things I want to do and work is just a big bother.

The plain fact is that people come and go in your life. I mean you hang onto the family you chose (spouse, kids) and that's the most important thing of anything. But the family you didn't get to pick can basically sometimes go spinning off into the cosmos and, outside of the nostalgia thing, the grief is pretty over after a while. Bad thing is it's been the same thing with friends for me. Maybe it's the ones I pick. I mean - the one guy I was best man for stopped having anything to do with me because I used to beat him at games once in a while, can you believe it, and the one thing you don't do is beat him at games. So yeah my picks haven't probably been the smartest.

You know people get in their cars and their life is so ordered. There's clean sheets and they like their coffee just so and they're in charge and they're picky as shit about every little detail and they know everything better than anyone around them and I just don't get it. Can anybody really be that together? Does anybody want to be? Oh yes in the building trades we see those types a lot. "I want iron balusters on my staircase but I like the white poplar can you get me a picture of white iron balusters and bring a sample to my office..." Er... no, because there's no such a thing as a white iron baluster unless you have it painted and do you want that meeting before or after you go to Cape Cod and do your nails?

See what I'm talking about? I have a mean streak. She's being very nice and just doesn't know how it works and really hasn't done anything nasty or petty to me but I go right off the end of it and characterize the poor woman like that. Nasty that way I guess.

So all this isn't really a lament as much as it is a heads up. Summer's here and the time is right, etc. If I drop people like a diseased limb they shouldn't feel bad. They're really not missing anything. I make acquaintances not friends really. I haven't found one person who could do it and probably I never tried. I know hundreds of people from all parts of my life - maybe thousands and we talk and laugh and shake hands and sit and drink and everything but I'm not sure. There's places nobody is allowed. I never ask for help. I try to give it but I'm usually too dumb to see you need it. There's no "go to" person. But I never thought of having one. No harm, no foul.