I Just Lived A Fantasy

I finally did it.

I called back one of those unGodly unknown numbers you get that call you even though you're on the Do Not Call List and when they answered I said "what did you call me for?"

And then I got this song and dance (first it was 866-808-0880 which comes up a Veterans' Benefit thing when you check the number online, then it was 205-561-2780 with a read-out of Tuscaloosa Alabama) about making a donation to disabled veterans. It was the Alabama number I called back.

Let me clarify for you how this works...

If you are a worker at one of these phone banks every day you come in your name changes. That is to say when you walk in you look up at the board and see what name they've assigned you for the day. If anybody says "what is your name" you tell them the phony one. That way whatever happens you are covered. Tomorrow you'll have a different name, and believe me by next week you'll have forgotten what your name was and if an angry person calls back and asks for that name, you're "I don't know him" will be very convincing.

Anyway I called back this number from Tuscaloosa and got a very smarmy guy. I said "I got a call from this number?" And he went into his act.

Folks... I've done this. I know how it works. I let loose a stream of pretty bloody invective, explaining that I'm on the Do-Not-Call List and don't want these calls any more - which meant nothing to him. I told him to commit a sexual act upon his mother. I said he could do things with his "parts" that would raise the eyebrows of Larry Flynt. Then I asked to speak to his supervisor so I could "sue your ass if you call me back again."

He was p-O'd at me! WOOO! But who cares? He's a lowlife scumbag who never worked a day in his life and preys on the good intentions of honest people in a down economy. He is everything that is wrong with capitalism and cynicism all rolled into one. I know this because I was him once.

So his sweet-voiced (aka alarming to angry people) "supervisor" picks up the line. Now if I was a novice at this I would have been taken aback by her very first question, which went like this...

"Jason?"

"Jason? My name isn't Jason."

(Here's what she wants to know, because if you say your name you're less likely to be rude... try it) "So what is you name?"

To which I answered.... "What's YOUR name?"

And she goes "Fatima."

Uh..... sure it is. I just laughed (remember the name board they check when they come in).

So here is this lady - a sweet little angel with a southern accent. I asked for her address. She gave me a location in Indiana. I said - why are you giving me an address in Indiana when this call came from Tuscaloosa, Alabama? Well... you know... this is a national company. Sir (you can tell they are getting agitated when they start calling you "sir").

So I asked, well tell me - since this is a national company - how much of my dollar goes to the veterans? And check this - THEY HAVE TO ANSWER EXPLICITLY OR IT IS FRAUD - she says "12% goes to the veterans...." and she tried to go on with her explanation but I interrupted her.

Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that for every dollar I send you, 88 cents of it will go to your company? Yes sir - we're a fund-raising company, we have telephone bills and electricity and wages, and...

I stopped her (because I recognized the argument. I was trained at it once, you see). I asked her why I should give her a dollar when if I just walked up to a homeless vet and gave him a buck he'd get 100% of it!

Her answer - "because you wouldn't". At which time I replied that she could go fornicate herself, because I have. Not only have I - but she has no way of knowing if I have or haven't.

I let her understand that I'm on to the game. That no legitimate fund raiser works like this. That they send what they can to "Veterans" to keep the Feds away from the scam. That they ARE subject - despite what she told me - to the Do Not Call List. That in a week I'd be surprised if this Tuscaloosa number was operational any more. And that she could reach on over across the state line and kiss my lily-scented ass.

I gave her my standard good-bye... "I'll be seein' ya." And she said bye-bye.

I have always wanted to do that. I feel really really good.