This Equals That

Do you ever think that you must have done something really bad to deserve or bring on all the bad stuff that's happening now? Anything along the lines of getting what you deserve because you must have done something, or some bunch of things, that set you up for some kind of justice later?

I think like that sometimes but I'm sure you could point to cases where really bad people have skirted through their kharma and come out just fine on the end. So maybe not. Yet it sure feels that way sometimes.

To deserve what happens around these parts every once in a while - mostly in a continuous low-level current that never seems to really ever shut off - I must have kidnapped a puppy and tortured it until it bled to death or something. Yet I know better. It doesn't work like that.

Or does it? It sure seems to me that just at the point MrsRW and I let out a great big sigh and said "ahhhh, now we have our time to ourselves, and we can start living surrounded by some of the rewards of an honest-lived life where we know we did the best we could and all the people coming up can start carrying the load by themselves" - our time without care and worry has shot out of a popped balloon, everybody needs bailing out and there are these loads strewn all over the street.

I've started to actually flinch at the sound of phones. Like a thick core of anxiety just opens up somewhere in the center of my body from my throat to my hips. It gets to the point sometimes where I dread talking to people because I know I'm going to get the rundown on all the shit going on. And yet again - if I didn't get something I'd probably wonder what I'm not being told... if only because I know about the shit part.

I don't know. I didn't kill any puppies ever in my life and I've been kind to strangers. I've helped people get jobs and gave out money I knew I'd never see again the minute it left my hand. You'd think once in a while I'd get a stretch of time where the I rested on the metaphorical sunlit uplands, for like a couple months in a row.

But I can't help thinking, I must have done something somewhere this is all evening up for. I just wish whatever it was was something that I enjoyed so much that this is all worth it. I just can't figure out for the life of me what that might have been...